Saying NO.

Sometimes taking care of yourself is a lot of work. A lesson we both have been learning recently is that saying “no” to things is A-okay. Sounds funny, right? “No” is like the first thing you learn how to say as a child…well…first might be “mine”, but second is definitely  “NO”. But as we get older, we get busier and busier…constantly pursuing dreams, relationships, adventures, etc. and we forget how to say no. We’ve been talking a lot about how hard it is at times to smile and politely decline. To say no. It is especially hard when “no” means saying no to someone that is asking of your time or needs your help….because who doesn’t like to help? Helping is great. But at times it is VITAL to say no. To look out for yourself and your sanity.

As we get older, saying no to someone can be really difficult. We are afraid to disappoint. We are afraid to let down. We are afraid of looking like we wont have it all together. Sometimes we don’t have the time to help a friend, or sometimes we just don’t want to….and as we’ve been dialoguing the last few weeks…we think that’s okay. Sometimes putting yourself as a priority is important…and if you do…. it can be SO freeing. Sounds borderline selfish right? Or at least that’s what some small voice screams inside of us from time to time when we try and say no to things. But, after mustering up some strength…saying no feelings so incredibly good. It’s like taking a bath or a long walk or breathing in  fresh air after sitting in a smoky bar–saying “no” is is like saying no to everyone else and saying yes to yourself.

So, don’t be afraid to politely decline running an errand for someone if that interferes with YOU time. Be okay with saying, “That doesn’t work for me.” It is okay to say no. Please don’t misunderstand us…we are all about people helping people and selflessness and all that good stuff. But it’s all about balance. If you aren’t taking time for yourself, you can start to feel worn out, exhasuted, etc. Saying no to stuff from time to time allows you to recharge and gear up for the next time you do say yes. It’s all a cycle.

Love. Rest. Put yourself on the list…you’re worth it.

Promise.

Does anyone else have a hard time saying no to things? Fill us in.

xoxo

-j&k-

20 Responses to “Saying NO.”

  1. Jamie Says:

    No. Not me.

    Hahaha…. Honestly I’d rather someone just say no than avoid it. Who cares at the end of the day. If someone doesn’t still like ya after a no then they probably never were a friend in the first place 🙂

  2. Monica Says:

    Story of my life!
    Ive been encouraging some friends lately to really dedicate some time to themselves…but I have trouble taking my own advice. It’s a super difficult thing to do, especially for a people pleaser like me. So this was something I definitely needed to read. I swear, you post these kinds of blogs when they are most relevant, and I am not complaining!

  3. Amanda Says:

    Preach ladies!

    I’ve been feeling burnt out lately and I realized it’s because I’ve been taking care of everybody else, but myself.

    So, this week I’ve decided is all about ME. I needed time to regroup my priorities, you know? Good decision.

    I’ve always been the friend/family member that people turn to in times of need, but sometimes that’s just too much pressure for one person to deal with. I need to focus on my own needs before I can help everyone else with theirs.

    Glad we’re on the same page 🙂

  4. Emma aka the ledge Says:

    OMG tell me about it …. I’m totally that person would wont say no, and will help anyone who asks, one lesson I have learnt is people take for granted your help and just assume you’ll lend a hand or decicate your time even when its inconvienent

    so defiantly dedicate more to one’s self and just say NO !!!

  5. crystal Says:

    i wish i’d said no to the girl who made me pay $30 for a fanclub party ticket that the guy whose place i took had her order..and i couldn’t even go to this party ’cause i had another one to go to at that time. how fair is that?…jokes on her..ticket was actually $40 hahahaha

  6. Lauren 'Elle' Says:

    I swear you guys are in my mind half of the time. You always manage to blog something appropriate to what I’m feeling. THIS is what exactly I thought about last/this week. I decided that ‘no’ was going to become my new favourite word because it seemed that some people were taking for granted the fact that I *didn’t* say no…

    I’m definitely taking some ‘me’ time..I’ve booked a few outings that allow me to have some ‘me’ time and I can’t wait because it’ seems at the minute i’m holding so many other people and I’m barely holding myself up. Yay for saying no!(at times!)

  7. ashley elayne Says:

    Seriously needed to hear this. I’m the biggest pushover you’ll ever meet. No is just not in my vocabulary. But youre right. If you dont take time for yourself, you’ll go insane. I need to go find my sanity haha. Thanks JillandKate. You two are the best!! 🙂

  8. Jenny Says:

    Yes!!! Thank you so much!! I used to never say no, and now I think its a good thing. I always used to help someone even if I didn’t want to. But now I think I am able to say no. Also, I used to get called into work on days off, and work because I felt bad. And I felt guilty if I said no. But I need time off, I need some me time. And after a while, I finally realized that it is ok to say no!! Thank you for this blog!! It definitely helps me feel better!!

  9. Anakellya Says:

    I totally have a hard time saying no to people and then I feel unbelievably selfish if I’m even considering saying no, let alone actually saying it! it’s ridiculous though cause like you said, you have to say no sometimes otherwise you’ll get worn out and won’t be able to help (say yes) when its truly necessary!

    xoxo

  10. shari Says:

    Love love this blog!!! I feel guilty all the time when I say no. Just happened last week where I planned to stay home as I did not know full plan and then once they called I said probably not but guilt got to me and I went..ugh!!
    Even if just my sisters telling me about a sporting event for niece or newphew and I dont go.i will feel bad. And i go to a lot of them, sooo no reason to feel bad. Not sure why I do that to myself. Part of reason as I think well people know I am single reight now, so why not go???
    I battle with this ALL the time and no idea how to change that. I dont want to hurt anyone or upset them. Quite odd that you posted this today as has been a huge struggle fot me as of late. Thanks!!

  11. gypsygies Says:

    Actually the way I have always figured it is – you are absolutely no real Good to anybody if you are drained – either physically, emotionally or mentally. You may *try* to help them, but self-destruction will never be as helpful as a “fully charged” and raring to go Friend. And I feel it actually shows *strength* , not weakness – it shows you are strong enough, mature enough to understand your human limitations. “Know thy boundaries”. And as long as you decline with a full and honest explanation – you must always be honest, lying is never worth the cost in Soul – it also plants the seed in your friend that *they* need to think about, learn how to take full & good care of themselves *inside* as well. The surface stuff in life will never be as important as taking care of what’s inside. Any true friend will not only understand, but be very grateful to you for taking care of yourself. They will be happy to see you when you are able again. Give yourself freely when it doesn’t give yourself *away* completely. :’)

    My two cents anyway. Learning the lines of “I’m being selfish” vs “wow I REALLY just need some me-time” can be the hardest.

  12. Miriam Says:

    Nancy Regan said it best, “JUST SAY NO!” Granted, she meant drugs…but still. It’s perfectly healthy to save some time for yourself and not agree to everything. I have to constantly remind myself of this fact, especially when it comes to family. I mean, I love them, yes, but sometimes I need to have my things and time for me.

    BTW, I suppose now’s not the best time to ask when y’all are having another show, is it? 😉

  13. Erin Says:

    funny you should post this today. i’ve been getting a million people asking me for help lately and it seems like every single day i have to watch someone’s kids or house or work early or bla bla bla. i’m considering saying no today. you helped me make that choice 🙂

  14. Hailey Bart Says:

    This is so true. I’ve had a hard time with saying “no” or taking time out for myself, and I had to learn the hard way. I’m that kind of person who can’t say “no” to helping someone. I always want to fix or make them better any way possible. Because I was doing that and at the same time I was having probably the hardest time of my life with my own problems, it physically and emotionally left nothing for myself. Because of that, I didn’t have any love for myself because I had given it all away to the people I cared about. I’ve learned that my sanity and well being comes first, even if that does sound really self-centered and selfish. But, you can’t help someone if you yourself isn’t well. It just physically and emotionally isn’t possible.

    Thanks for posting about this, I love y’all and hope y’all are okay<3 xo:)

  15. Boston_Holly Says:

    I’ve found that learning to say no has made me a better friend, daughter, sister, aunt, etc. I used to be so overwhelmed with stuff to do that I was never really “present”. I was distracted. And grumpy. And felt put upon…even though I’m the one who put too much on my plate! I made a decision a few years ago to start saying no and making those decisions hand in hand with prioritizing what I really want. Most of my “nos” were work-related, and I still struggle with saying no to family (I come for a long line of first class guilt-trippers), but setting limits has ensured that when I do spend time with others I’m 100% there; no wandering mind, no stress about thinking of all the stuff I should be doing. It’s liberating. And I physically and mentally feel better. The power of “no” can do wonders!

  16. Selena Says:

    In what seems to be your typical fashion, I think you hit the nail on the head with this one, and surely, many people can relate. It can be difficult to say “No.” It can carry with it the risk of letting someone down, upsetting them, or you being perceived as selfish or negligent. On the other hand, putting pressures, demands, and expectations on a person can venture into the territory of being inconsiderate too. Plus, some may take advantage and/or depend too much on another’s kindness. I guess it’s about balance. It’s important to help others and tackle tasks, but it’s arguably just as important to take a break and take care of yourself. If y’all are feeling overextended, feel free to say the word, and have some J&K time or even J time and K time! 😉

    P.S. This topic reminded me of a line from Sara Bareilles’ “King of Anything”…
    “All my life, I’ve tried to make everybody happy, while I just hurt and hide, waiting for someone to tell me, it’s my turn to decide.”

  17. Lauren M. Says:

    I do have a problem saying no and it’s mainly work related. Sometimes I get called in for work and then I avoid the phone and don’t answer it. I’m afraid if I do answer it I will say “yes” cause i’m a people pleaser and i’m trying to get on my boss’s good side. I work 5 days a week,NEVER call in sick, and i’m always on time. I feel like I give them 100% of me and my hard work that I just need to give myself some time to relax, hang with family or friends. I even feel guilty at times and start complaining to people whether I should just call them back or not. I know that they won’t get mad at me and they know that I still willl always be there for them. I just need to learn to actually say “no” and stop making up excuses as to why I can’t come in. Lying is not good and i’m not the best at it either. lol

    Thanks for sharing this, hopefully I can learn to be strong and say “no” when it is necessary.

  18. cassieleetx Says:

    i used to have the hardest time for sure. My friends.. or should i say “friends” when I was in High School ALWAYS asked me to do stuff for them. take me here, take me there, do this, do that, blah blah blah… and of course my heart is too big and too kind to say no… and because of that, i used to let people walk all over me. I thought I was just being nice… well I was being naive because it took me 3 or 4 years to realize I WAS letting people walk all over me.

    College really helped me figure out who I am and realize that it’s not okay to let my friends take advantage of my kind heart. So i grew a backbone and put some bars of steel around my heart (the bars because i can still let people in and give my love and kindness to others) and learned to not always give in to everyone. I limited myself. I found out that it was definitely OKAY to say no. They may not like it but ya know what, you’re right, we ALL need some alone time or some breaks from certain things. If it’s going to be too much on a plate for you, then it shouldnt be added. It’s like my parents always say “don’t let your eyes be bigger than your stomach.” We always had to finish what was on our plate so we never took more than what we thought we could eat. It’s the same concept in life. Don’t put too much on your plate if you can’t finish it.

    It’s nice to hear so many people agree that it’s okay to say no. you know yourself best. you know what you can handle and are capable of. don’t let other people dictate that part of your life for you. they’ll get over it.

  19. jenbug1988 Says:

    Totally agree with this. My biggest thing to say no to is my volunteer work. It takes up SO much of my time and everytime someone says can I do xy or z I can never say no!
    Which has resulted in me Being an Assistant Guide leader and the main and only Senior Section leader. I also recently couldn’t bring myself to say no to opening up a Brownie Unit to.
    I also got asked if I wanted to be a PR representative I said yes and have numerous times put my own life aside to do PR work.
    I will always work my own life around my volunteer work because I can’t learn to say no to them.

    Then this summer I wanted to go away to work at a Summer camp, in doing so it would mean my Guides wouldn’t be able to go on a holiday as they wouldn’t have enough leaders and that possibly one of the girls wouldn’t be able to do their camping permit. Also the unit would be without me for the last 2 months when the other leader is finishing her teaching qualification.
    I really couldn’t say no to all those things and it took the other Guider forcing me to say no and actually be a little selfish for once and go and work abroad for the summer.
    Turned out to be one of the hardest things I’ve done to say no and take me time, I’m here in NH working for the summer camp and still find it hard that I’ve left the Guide Group with no leader and had to cancel Senior Section until september.

  20. Divsix Says:

    I have an extremely hard time saying no. I always say, I am a Pisces to the core.

    Sometimes being a Pisces can be a blessing, othertimes not so much.

    I am too trusting, I feel too deeply when it comes to other people’s problems.

    I have a problem putting other people’s needs before my own.

    For me, I find it hard to say no. Because of the person I am. I get stressed out easy, I find myself worrying too much about other people’s problems.

    Seems like No isn’t in my vocabulary.

    I need to find that balance. Otherwise, I will continue to be taken advantage of my good nature. I will be the first person to give the shirt off my back for someone. But what about me.

    When I have a problem, are these people at a jump to help me? No, they are not. However I see past that and continue to be there.

    I wish I was stronger, have the ability to stand up for myself. Be strong to say no. Most of all stop being a push over, and someone that people feel they can walk all over and not think twice about it.

    I need ME time. I need to find Torrie again. I need to be the Torrie that isn’t getting walked all over, pushed around, taken advantage of, and learn to say no.

    I just don’t know how to do that.

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