Words mean things. But why is it that people sometimes think that they don’t? Ugh. This topic gets me all fired up. We’ve all heard the expression “white lies” and I think everyone is guilty of “stretching the truth” from time to time. But I’m not such a fan of the white lie. Yes, I think that there are appropriate times to not tell the exact truth, i.e. surprise party planning :), protecting someone from physical harm, etc. But other than that, I think people really should tell the truth. I am really not even thinking about the big stuff here–I’m thinking of the nitty gritty, the small stuff. The stupid little details of life that I wish people were more truthful with. I think it would make the world a better place…just saying. Here are a few examples:
In friendship: We are all human, so we are all unkind or not the most thoughtful at times or just downright mean and bitchy . Fact. When we are on either end of these pendulums, we have choices. Let’s say you were on the end of the friendship where you got your feelings hurt. Regardless of what the situation was…if your feelings were hurt; they were hurt. NO one can argue with YOUR feelings. Doesn’t matter who is “right” or who is in the “wrong” here. They’re your feelings…so if they were hurt…SAY SOMETHING. It doesn’t have to be a big dramatic hour long conversation…it just has to be honest. Simple truth. This is something I have really tried to implement in my friendships…and yes, it can be awkward sometimes. Cause sometimes it doesn’t take a lot to hurt my feelings and so I feel silly saying “Hey…remember that time you said (insert “said” thing here”)…well…that kind of hurt my feelings.” Ugh. No one likes to point that stuff out but it’s SO WORTH IT.
Or let’s say you are on the other side of the pendulum and you are the one handing out the hurt. You may have reasons for being a bitch handing out the hurt, but you have to be able to recognize and speak up. Use your words. There have been plenty of times when I have to go back to a friend or yes…even a total stranger…and say “I’m really sorry for speaking to you that way” or “Hey…I realize what I said could have hurt your feelings, did it?….etc.” Being honest in recognizing your own faults can open up a communication superhighway for avoiding hurt feelings in the future and just better relationships overall.
In dating: Oh man….don’t even get me started on this one. People…if you like someone…TELL THEM. If you love someone…TELL THEM. If you don’t want to date someone anymore…TELL THEM. Yeesh. In my opinion, the worst thing in a relationship is lack of communication. In my dating history the absolute worst experience was when the guy stopped communicating…he didn’t just stop communicating…he fell off the face of the planet. Why do people think that’s a good idea? This is why I like honesty so much. I would rather have them look into my eyes and say, “I thought I liked you but it turns out you are the most annoying person in the world and I don’t want to date you anymore.” I mean, don’t get me wrong…hearing that would suck…but at least I’d know. I’d also be able to do some self-evaluation…i.e. am I really the most annoying person on earth? How can I learn from that experience, etc. If someone just ditches you…you’re left questioning everything. Everything.
In life: If everyone were more honest, we’d second guess less. I hate second guessing. And second guessing someone’s intentions is the worst! Let’s say a someone invites you to dinner and you really just don’t feel like it. Instead of making up something…i.e.lying…just say so. Just say, “Man, I just really don’t feel like doing dinner with you tonight.” Or if someone asks you out on a date and you really aren’t interested say, “I’m not interested.” Ahh…wouldn’t it be great if when you got a response from someone and you knew they were telling the truth?!?
One of my major pet peeves is when people lie about the little, little stuff–it seriously drives me bananas. Cause seriously, if you’re lying about something insignificant and feeling fine about it…what else are you lying about?
Ahh..okay…my rant is almost over. I am really telling myself all of these things at the same time I type them. I want to always tell the truth. Even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when it takes longer. Even when it hurts. In my relationships, in my songs, in my relationship with God, in my encounters with total strangers.
Honesty for the win.
-kate
*Note: Please in no way read this as me thinking I’m better in some way because I try and practice this. I have not always practiced this…but I’m trying. I have & will often not tell the truth…but I just wanted to share my thoughts on the topic.
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JillandKate's Blog 
October 26, 2011 at 1:27 pm |
“You can judge me…you can love me…if you’re hating me…do it honestly.’ 😉
October 26, 2011 at 1:29 pm |
One of my favourite blogs of yours ever, Kate. Everything you say is so true, and very similar thoughts often go through my head. The more we practice at being honest, the better we will get! 😉
October 26, 2011 at 1:32 pm |
I’m in the same situation. Although I think you’re farther along than I am. I just got out of a relationship where I lied a lot. Then I realized there had to be a reason I lied and now I’m trying to be honest with myself so I don’t get into a habit of lying to anyone else again.
October 26, 2011 at 1:36 pm |
I am so so so glad you posted this because I am exactly the same! I can’t lie for my life it’s awful I know I’ll get caught out.
But in regards to telling people the truth, back in my first year of uni I was in a house of 12 other girls, yes 12! and 11 of whom were Performing Arts students. So the would ALWAYS bitch behind each others backs I mean always but myself and another house mate Jessica would tell people how things were and we did the same to each other. In truth living with new people and being thrown together is always a learning curve and they totally didn’t match us all in accordance to “what we liked” as we selected on our accom forms.
So Jessica and I would literally tell each other how it was, if one of us said something that insulted the other we would say it, if we upset each other we’d say it (As we would with the other girls but they would just go off and bitch about it)
The rest of the housemates took to saying we always argued blah blah and we were both like we’re not arguing we’re just clearing the air. They just didn’t like it to be uncomfortable at the time but realising in the long run it would be for the better as we wouldn’t end up in this web of lies and bitchyness.
Long story short, Jessica is now one of my best friends EVER. I know I can turn to her for anything, we lived together in our 2nd and 3rd years of uni. We know each others pet peeves and are honest with each other and now that we’ve moved away from Uni I miss her to pieces not seeing her as much.
But the girls who we lived with in our first year always seem shocked we lived together in our 2nd and 3rd, they always commented on how they thought we’d kill each other! What they don’t seem to get is we ironed out things as we went along and we don’t bitch behind each others backs where as they will always bitch about each other, that to me isn’t friendship.
October 26, 2011 at 1:37 pm |
Amen!
October 26, 2011 at 1:37 pm |
A couple of years ago, I totally decided to do some re-evaluating of my values. I decided I really can’t stand liars either. And not big liars! The small white liars, like you said.
I get told I’m a bitch a lot because I’m very, very blunt. I used to sugar coat things, but that would oftentimes get me in situations that I didn’t want to be in (i.e. going on a billion dates with someone because I just didn’t know how to let him know I didn’t like him like that – whoops). It sucked. I mean, granted there is a nice way to be blunt about things, so that’s always a plus. But even with a little “padding,” sometimes people just can’t handle it…
And I don’t understand that. At all.
If someone is straight forward with me, even if it hurts, if it’s the truth… I just take it as constructive criticism. You know? A way to improve myself, or the way I interact with people.
Lately my roommate and I have been having super nit picky fights. Not like, major, we’re gonna move out from each other fights, but little things that peeve us off. Her biggest peeve with me? I’m apparently not as sensitive as I should be.
It’s funny because just a year ago, we were in happy, blissful roommate territory, but I actually think that’s because we weren’t as comfortable with each other, as we are now. We’re the closest we’ve ever been, which I think makes me comfortable enough to say, “Hey – you did this, it hurt my feelings,” or “Can we work on this *insert problem* together? It’s kind of troublesome for me.” Like I don’t want her to change herself completely, but living with anybody (family, roommates, whatever) requires compromise… and I guess because I get straight to the point about things lately, sometimes she’s like, “Whoa hold up!” Like I said, we’re both working on it, but it’s kind of something that’s slapped me in the face lately, and been sort of a wakeup call. LIKE HI AMANDA! YOUR WORDS CAN HURT SOMETIMES. But at the same time, it’s been a wakeup call for her too – to stop avoiding things and get to it.
I don’t know what I’m really rambling about, except that basically, honesty is bomb and I wish people could embrace it more often. I always tell my friends, roommate included, “If you have a problem with me, something I do, or say, please, please tell me! I want to know, so I can improve myself and our relationship.” People don’t know how to react that way sometimes.
Welppp now that I’ve written an entire blog entry of my own on your blog, I’m gonna bounce. So relevant though, Kate. So relevant. If I could nominate you for some awesome-totally-relates-to-my-life-always (minus the being a rockstar bit) blog, I’d totally nominate you (and Jill too)! Just throwing that out there.
October 26, 2011 at 1:41 pm |
It kinda freaks me out how you always seem to blog about a situation when its relevant to me. I’m not the most honest person..not that I lie all the time but there are definitely times where I know I should be honest. I lost my dad last year and I get people asking me how I am and I always tell them I’m fine..of course I’m not and then it kinda hurts when they don’t second guess it but I know it’s my fault for not being honest in the first place.
I’m definitely guilty of telling white lies but never with the intention to harm but to do just the opposite but now the point you bought up of someone wanting the truth is something I hadn’t thought off.I want to start being more honest and the next time I don’t feel like perhaps going out with a friend..instead of coming up with an excuse I’m going to be honest.
Thanks for the inspiring lesson and message!
October 26, 2011 at 1:41 pm |
This totally hits the same note as Kelly’s new song “Honestly”. Love the message!
October 26, 2011 at 1:44 pm |
I’m so glad you wrote this. Sometimes I feel like I expect too much of others because I share your expectations of this level of honesty. Sad huh, the self-doubt that I have in this regard, but it’s because lies, especially about the small stuff, seems to be the norm these days. When I frown on or question it in others, I am made out to be uptight, unreasonable or the very cause of the lies. Thank you for letting me know there are others who live (or try) by these values.
October 26, 2011 at 1:50 pm |
No totally. People tell me I put people up to too high of standards, a lot, but I’m just like… “Errr. No. I don’t expect people to be perfect, but I think a lot of humanity devalues themselves lately. Just saying.” I’m nowhere near perfect, but I try to be the best person I can be… and lying? Just doesn’t make me feel good about myself, so, why do it? You know? People don’t seem to understand that concept and get super huffy about it.
October 26, 2011 at 1:46 pm |
preach.
my best friend’s boyfriend told her he needed space…on her birthday. he hasn’t talked to her in 3 months. before that things were really great. they were getting along and having a lot of fun. so now she’s just picking herself apart trying to figure out what the problem was. if he had just said hey, i don’t want to get too serious now or hey i met someone else or this long distance thing isn’t working…she’d have closure and could move on, but no go on that one. what a jerk.
October 26, 2011 at 1:51 pm |
Awww… Preach on Sista! I LOVE it! This is so true… This topic gets me fired up as well! I could go on and on about this all day, but you nailed it! Seriously, words DO mean something (good and bad) and there is nothing more detrimental than a lie… “Lying is the most personal act of cowardice there is” – Nancy Farmer
Good Stuff, Capital K!!!
October 26, 2011 at 2:01 pm |
As with so many other people, your blog really hits home with with me as well, Kate. Some days don’t you just feel like everyone around you wants to lie? Something that I’ve grown to learn is that hiding things is the same as lying. It builds up just the same and hurts just the same. Like you said, sometimes things are kept secret for a good reason but there are other times when people avoid the truth to avoid a fallout or negative reaction. When really, if EVERYONE could be honest for the most part things would just run more smoothly.
I wear my emotions on my sleeve for the most part. When I’m happy, you’ll know I’m happy. When I’m sad, you’ll know I’m down. Often times I’ve been told that I speak my opinion too much on things and come off harsh. To balance that, I sometimes don’t even give a real opinion on something and then I end up taking the fall for it later when it comes back to bite me in the butt because I didn’t “speak up”. Seems like you just can’t win at times. All we can do is keep trying to live by our own code of honesty and hope that others see the good in it.
I know many people, like myself, grew up with people coming and going from their lives constantly. In turn, it’s made me a person that likes to express appreciation and love for someone quite easily. Even if I come off as over-abbrasive I really don’t care because I have the peace of mind that if that was the last time I saw that person, they knew how much I cared. I don’t ever want to walk away from a sitution going, “they had no idea how I felt about them.” We have to value who we have and be honest with them. We owe it to those that we care about the most.
October 26, 2011 at 2:08 pm |
Great blog, Kate! I agree with you. It’s hard to always be honest, especially telling someone they hurt you’re feelings. Like you said, sometimes others might not think that something that was said or done should necessarily bother you, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t upset you personally. And it’s really difficult sometimes to be honest when you don’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings. But, sometimes, things need to be said and heard. Being honest really is the best way to be.
October 26, 2011 at 2:11 pm |
Great blog! This has been what i’ve been feeling alot lately too. People won’t come and talk to me or tell me the truth cause they are too afraid of hurting my feelings and let me tell you, I am a very sensitive person. But it does feel alot better knowing the truth so I don’t keep making assumptions. Another thing is, i need to get over my shyness and just confront people if they have hurt my feelings in some way.
October 26, 2011 at 2:13 pm |
ummm did you crawl inside my brain today? I have thought a lot about this topic today – I could go on and explain how this is relevant to my current situation but ya’ll have better things to do. What I will say is ditto and a big giant AMEN!
October 26, 2011 at 2:31 pm |
I agree. A lot of people talk way too carelessly and don’t seem to be the least bit bothered about the consequences of their hurtful words and/or lies. Big or small, a lie is a lie. It’s bad for the soul and can tear down trust too. It’s not always necessary to say whatever’s on one’s mind and some things are best kept inside, but if a person does speak up, they should speak the truth. Sometimes it might be hard and awkward, but honesty is the best policy and being so is the right thing to do.
p.s. This blog reminded me of Kelly’s song “Honestly.” 🙂
October 26, 2011 at 2:49 pm |
This is the best blog I’ve ever read. not just of yours but of ALL the blogs I’ve read!
Everything you said is true and I will definitely try and live by it. This has really inspired me. Thanks 🙂
October 26, 2011 at 3:17 pm |
A-freakin-men sista! That’s all I have to say about that.
October 26, 2011 at 3:18 pm |
Goodness, Kate. Great blog! I grew up Catholic and that probably might explain why “thou shall not lie” was ingrained in my brain from a very early age. By no means am I perfect, but I’ve always tried my best to remember that. Be honest. It is the best policy. Lies have consequences and make people stop trusting you. And once you’ve lost that trust, it is hard to gain it back because they will always second guess you…
October 26, 2011 at 4:34 pm |
I agree 100% with this. things would be so much easier if people were just more direct and skipped all the nonsense. we’re all guilty of being on either end of the spectrum, but i think we should push ourselves to stick with being more honest. no matter what happens, in the end it just makes things so much easier for everybody. theres seriously nothing i cant stand more than questioning aspects of a friendship or whatnot, trying to figure out what’s wrong with whats going on or if it’s something about me. at least if they tell you, you’d know. and i’d say it’s equally as hard being on the end of things where you have to tell someone that sort of thing. none of it’s easy.
and like you said, it doesn’t even have to be on that degree – it could be white lies too. i think naturally it’s just harder for us to say the truth to people, we dont want to hurt them right? or cause conflicts. so we avoid the situations. whatever is easier for us i suppose~. but you’re indirectly causing issues just by doing that. so yeah – telling people what’s really going on, no matter the situation is going to be better, you’re helping yourself and others around you in the process. this is the type of thing we should all practice more i think.
October 26, 2011 at 10:02 pm |
kate i absolutely love reading your blogs, and i hope you get the chance to read this. your rants are inspiring, i legit look forward to reading your blog *ding* TRUTH!
i live my life they way you just said, honestly 😀 it aint easy, but i really hate lying. i always talk my feelings, and i do apologize when im pissed and shout things out i wish i hadnt. but i make sure i did right by me, and i make sure the person is alright.
there is no better feeling then saying the truth
and if a friend cant handle what you really think, then maybe that friendship was built on lies and should be re-evaluated.
and kate theres one truth i lack in, and thats telling the guy i like him aha, but after reading this, im going to tell him. whats the point in hiding it, nothing will happen if i do! 🙂
peace out!
have fun travelling with the band, rocking it every time!
October 27, 2011 at 7:53 am |
Kate, you are wise beyond your years. 🙂 This is a wonderful blog and gave me plenty to think about (and work on as a person). And you are DEAD ON with the dating thing…dear lord. If you don’t dig me, at least give me a reason. Explain yourself. It’s sooo much better than the fall off the face of the earth thing…that’s just cowardly. Nobody likes being dumped, but I’ll still respect you as a person if you’re honest and forthright about it…the other option? Not so much. And thanks for taking the time for such a thoughtful blog despite your very busy schedules this week!
October 27, 2011 at 9:42 am |
Best blog ever, Kate. Looks like we have the same thoughts again.. I’ ve been blogging about this topic a few months ago 😉
Love it!! ❤
October 27, 2011 at 3:34 pm |
I love your random posts Kate. Keep em coming because you have no idea how inspiring you are!
-Cass (cbish_14)
November 1, 2011 at 3:31 am |
Truth: Kate, thank you for using the phrase, “I have really tried to implement [this] in my friendships.” I just like how that sounds to me at 4:30 in the morning; kind of like friendship is a business transaction or a strategic deployment of some kind. Your blog is right on the money, 100%. So please don’t take my remarks as off color. It’s 100% a compliment…Right now everything is funny to me…I’ll probably read this back (my comment) and think I’m an idiot. Whatever, that’s cool. “Implementing” things in friendships is just kinda funny to my sleep deprived brain.
November 5, 2011 at 1:02 pm |
IN A MARRIAGE –
Communication… Communication…Communication…
My Ladies, if you want a special gift (for the Holidays, Birthday, eh hem Valentines,Etc.) TELL THEM!!
Nothing says “I Love You” more than a vacuum on Valentine’s Day!!
That really happened…. and i really slept in a “No Honey Not Tonight Gown” that night. LOL!
#Imighthaveactedlikeaspoiledbrat